My nine year old son called me into his room because he had a monster in his closet. I tell him he’s too old for that kind of thing and to go back to sleep. He pleads with me to check. I open the door and turn on the light, staring back at me is some scruffy looking thing with angry eyes and I scream. It was a mirror.
I’m trying to see if I’m having a heart attack and he’s laughing his troll a*s off. I’m proud of his cleverness but considered if he were too old to be left on someone’s doorstep.
My son who was in first grade at the time was able to convince the school that he was diabetic and needed a morning snack and afternoon snack.. I got a call from his teacher asking me to come in for a conference. When I arrived there was the nurse, teacher,principal, and a social worker. They started off by saying they didn’t call the welfare because I couldn’t afford the snacks but because I was putting his life in danger by not informing them and arranging with the nurse to have his sugar tested….when I told them he was not diabetic they were dumb founded and at that point called the doctor. When the nurse got off the phone she told them to go get my son and she asked him why he lied and he said Anna told me she is diabetic and that’s why she gets snacks twice a day so I thought I would give it a try. Then he said its not my fault you trusted a first grader….. I could not force myself to punish him because he was right..They shouldn’t have taken his word . They should have called me immediately. After I explained it all to my husband we just started busting out laughing… And I thought damn this kid is clever. I then called the school and demanded an apology which they promptly gave me and I asked what his punishment was going to be and they said they would let me know soon as they could stop laughing….. He never did get that punishment…
It was actually my nephew, but a few years ago (back when he was in 2nd or 3rd grade), his class was learning about onomatopoeia and the teacher was asking the children if they knew any. Apparently, my nephew raised his hand and said “I know one!” and then he farted.
My daughter got in trouble in kindergarten for selling pencils to other kids. She was charging kids a quarter, the school charged 50 cents. I was pretty impressed
My 16 year old son and his buddies decided to call their dodgeball team “Snipe” so that they could “accidentally” stand in front of the whole school with their lettered t-shirts spelling out “Penis.” Such a proud mom, I was!
I live with my dad and my 9 year old daughter. I sometimes go to the gym at night and tell my daughter to brush her teeth while I’m gone. When I get back she shows me a video on our tablet of her brushing her teeth as proof. A few days ago I realized that her hairstyle was slightly different in the video, and I figured out that she had simply prerecorded herself brushing her teeth in several different outfits. While I was fairly impressed at this, I kept a straight face and explained to her that when I was a kid, grandpa would beat me savagely with a set of jumper cables whenever I didn’t brush my teeth. Since then she’s been brushing several times a day on her own.
When my daughter was 6, a boy in school was bullying her. He was confronting her one day, in front of his buddies, and said, “I bet you don’t have the nerve to kick me in the nuts.”
She did. We got a call from the school. My ex and I had to stifle laughter while making to the principal. We exploded once we were outside, then had to rein it in once we met up with our daughter. Heh.
The kid who was bullying her left her alone after that.
I blocked YouTube on the Ipad. I was a little worried my kid might see some stuff on YouTube not intended for a 5 year old. My 5 year old found a work-around by starting up Angry Birds, clicking on the Angry Birds Cartoons, then browsing to his favorite YouTuber using the Voice Search function.
I have to say, that’s brighter than most adults I’ve seen. He dealt with bypassing Password protection and his own inability to write using the speech function. That’s amazing!
Stick wars. Third grade stick wars.
The school had a strict policy against pretending to use guns and pretending to play soldier. My son was passionate about the military.
The school was undergoing landscape renovations and had lots of giant dirt piles just off the playground.
My son decides to initiate war games anyway. They find sticks that vaguely resemble guns. Various kids are various ranks. This kid was a corporal. That kid was a major. So on. They’d go on patrols.
The first graders wanted to play but they were deemed too little.
The fifth grades start picking on them. Sneaking up behind and smacking them with sticks. Making fun of them. And so on.
My son gets tired of it. So. Being the colonel he recruits first graders and puts them through boot camp. They all become privates.
They stage an assault on the fifth graders.
My son leads a patrol directly into fifth grader territory. The fifth graders step up.
My son yells, “ATAAAAAAACCK!!!” and suddenly the fifth graders are flanked on their left and right by tons of kids hiding behind the dirt piles.
The fifth graders start getting pelted with dirt clods while little kids run up smacking them with sticks.
I had to have a big meeting. He explained all the details to me in front of the principal. So hard not to laugh.
I overheard my dad saying he was secretly proud of something I did in school. It’s school photo day and what happened is we go in small groups and have our picture taken then the wizard photographers put it all together, I got myself in two of the groups and ended up in the final photo twice.
My son was three. My husband still laughs at this. I forget why I made the cake, I have a penchant for randomly making cake for folks or to practice my decorating skills to prep for making my sons inevitable fancy birthday cake each year.
So I made a cake. And then had to go to the bathroom. I’m in the bathroom and we hear a :crash:! I come bolting out of the bathroom, my husband comes bolting out of the computer room, I stupidly presumed I had pushed the cake back far enough that the kid couldn’t reach it.
We step into the kitchen and see the cake and it’s plate on the floor, and half of it gone, and no kid anywhere. NOWHERE. So we’re freaking out. Searching all over. part of me pissed because I had spent all this time making this cake, decorating little marzipan chess pieces on it, etc etc and the little s**t had gone for it.
My husband tells me he thinks he found him. Under the futon. I get down to my knees and look and there he is, this totally guilty look on his face and half the cake clutched to his chest, shoveling cake in his face as fast as he possibly can before we can think to take it away from him. It was hilarious in it’s sheer cartoonish-ness. I was so so so pissed though because the cake was destroyed and I hadn’t even taken pictures yet.
But to this day we can’t help but think of it now and then when he asks for cake – he’s now almost 12 – and we tell him ‘Sure, so long as you don’t take it under the futon” He remains to this day, confused and we refuse to tell him.
When my brother and I were teenagers, we got onto an argument one day when we were home alone. I was running up to my room to get away from him but by the time I got to my door and started to shut it, he had braced himself against the hallway wall and stuck his foot in my doorway so the door could not be shut all the way.
I pushed and pushed until we heard a horrifying crack of a cheap hollow door. The crack was about a foot long. We looked at the clock and realized we had about an hour before my mother got home. They had recently taken a door out of the mud room, so we went to the basement (after writing and signing complete confessions of the incident incase we got caught so one of us couldn’t flip it on the other), got that door, thanked sweet baby jesus the hinges were on the right side, and would have gotten away with it if she hadn’t come home early. (Cue us looking super guilty holding while forcing a hinge screw in place). We did eventually finish.
When she recounted the story to my father that night, he was like, “so wait, they stopped fighting and used teamwork to reinstall the door? I’m not grounding them! That’s awesome!”
In my case, I was one of the kids impressing their parents.
My cousin, my brother, and I, all around 10 years old, were walking around a farm about half a mile away from our grandparents’ house. It used to have lots of pigs but at the moment only four dogs that guarded the farm were there, living inside tiny cages where they probably stayed most of the time. We found the key to the cages, “freed” all the dogs and wrote some cheesy line like “FREEDOM TO ALL THE ANIMALS” in childish handwriting on a wall with a purple desinfectant spray we found.
Turns out the farm belonged to a close friend of our grandma and since one of the dogs decided to follow us we got caught very quickly. We had to go to the owners’ house and apologize and we were grounded for the rest of the summer, but last year (like 10 years later) my parents actually told us they were very proud and impressed!
Normal morning rushing around trying to get ready to go out for the day, I notice my daughter playing in her room and generally delaying getting ready for our days adventures. I shout through to her, ” You’d better not be making a mess, I want everything off the floor please” i wasn’t even mad when I saw her results…
One night my wife and I were having a discussion with our 10 yr old daughter about the importance of homework, education and her future. The subject came up because she was busted lying about her grades. I asked, “Don’t you want to grow up and be successful like me?” Her response was, “Mom doesn’t do anything and she’s got it pretty good.”
Last night while at a restaurant, she loudly sang a song she made up about her vagina.
My daughter accidentally said “S**t” it was just a combo of two words that smushed together to create this curse. I told her it was ok, I was there and I knew the context. She got so upset with herself, she punished herself by sending herself to bed. None of my assurances made her feel OK about what she had done.
Edit: She was 7
My 8 year old girl was being bullied by two boys at her school.
So she took them both down. Put one in a choke hold (briefly) and the other kid ran. Surprise bi***es, she’s being doing Brazilian jujitsu since she was five!
Anyway she came home and told me she took both boys out. When I looked at her in astonishment she said
“Don’t worry though! I did it on the grass and not the concrete!”
I was amused and hella impressed. A year later and she is now best friends with one of the boys. 😀
My 3yo son stuffed two matchbox cars into an empty toilet paper roll, then jammed q-tips into that, and flushed it. Water would pass but not solid waste. Hours of plunging and snaking did nothing. Lost my freaking mind. A magnificent feat of evil engineering. I expect a call from the FBI in a few years telling me he has stolen the moon!
Put a hole in the wall of my room. Repaired it by painting the back side of some photo paper and gluing it to the wall. My dad was fairly upset when he found it about 2 years later, but later admitted that my McGyver repair job was impressive.
My brothers dad is an alcoholic. He was grounded from absolutely everything at his dad’s house and one night my mom took him to dinner to talk about what’s been going on. She got a call from his dad. His dad asked her to ask him where his laptop was. He said under the bed. When he went in to look for it he found my brother had took all the alcohol he had in the house and poured it on his bed. When my mom asked why he did it, he said “well if he can drink it all day then he might as well sleep in it too.” My mom didn’t know whether to be angry or proud.
My daughter started wearing glasses at the age of 2. She has a very bad astigmatism which requires a very thick lens. Kids being kids tease her about it but a few of the girls in her class get pretty mean. Last year my daughter was using the bathroom at school when one of the girls that bully her popped her head under the toilet and my daughter kicked her in the face and busted the other girl’s nose. The school tried to actually suspend my daughter. Called me at work and I had to take the rest of the day off to get her home. She was balling when I got there and of course the other parents were there and f*****g livid. They wanted to actually suspend her for a week until she was asked why she did it and she said that it’s not polite to watch people pee. The principal knew then that she would never be able to contest it but still tried to give her disciplinary action and was sent home early and was told to apologize to the other kid. They brought the other kid in with her parents and before the principal could even say anything my daughter looked at the other kid’s mother intensely and said “you don’t know how to be a good mommy and you made a bad kid” and stormed out. I gave the parents a “she’s right, ya know” and proceeded to follow her out the door. I had to pretend to be mad, because you don’t hit people, but many ice creams were had that day.
My 3 year old dragged a chair from the lounge to the kitchen and climbed up to help herself to an icecream from the freezer, I caught her in the act and was prepared to be angry until I realized that before getting herself one, she had taken 2 out for her little brother and sister, unwrapped them and sent them out to the balcony to eat so they wouldn’t make a mess. I decided she deserved the icecream.
I can speak for my mom by telling the story of my sister and I playing with her bright red lipstick.
My sister and I were about 4 and 5 at the time, watching Peter Pan in our parents’ room while they were watching TV or whatever downstairs. My sister and I had seen the movie a bazillion times before and would play along with the movie, singing the songs and just acting silly.
I wanted to be Tiger Lily. I convinced my sister that to look like Tiger Lily, we could use our mom’s lipstick to paint ourselves red (thank you, Disney racism). So we go into the bathroom and lock the door, which we were strictly forbidden from doing, and covered our entire faces in lipstick. Even our ears. We were thorough.
Because we likely knew we would get into trouble for what we were doing, we were being really quiet. This was a red flag for our parents, and it wasn’t long before our mom was calling up to us to ask what we were doing. Apparently responding, “nothing!” in unison is another red flag.
Our mom came upstairs and tried to come into the bathroom, but we had locked the door, so she told us in her angry mother voice to unlock the door immediately. When we did, she couldn’t even imagine what she was going to open the door to. She said years later that it took all her willpower to not laugh when she saw what we’d done and found out why.
One time my little brother said “f**k”, and my mum gave him the speech about how we aren’t supposed to use those words because they hurt some people, and made the parenting joke about having to wash his mouth out with soap.
Fast forward 15 minutes and my mum finds him in the bathroom, silently sobbing as he puts tiny amounts of soap in his mouth and brushes it with his toothbrush.
My mum has never been scarily threatening and she broke down in tears that my little brother had taken her words so seriously. On the plus side, my brother has never sworn again.
I was sending my daughter to bed and she was being difficult as four year olds do so I was using an angry but not quite yelling tone. She proceeded to inform me that she found my tone unacceptable and she would rather I not speak to her that way.
I had to explain to her that she is four and if she feels I am hurting her feelings she should tell me but in a respectful way, but really I was kind of being an a*s cause I just wanted some goddamn quiet time and I was impressed she called me out on it.
Dealing with his first Internet troll!
My 9 year old watches gamer videos on YouTube, and one day when I was at work and my husband was home passing out from working a 12 hour night shift, I get a notification on my phone that my son has left a comment on YouTube (linked up to my account). No big deal. Then, a few hours later, he gets a snarky reply. So I told him about it. He wanted to reply back immediately, I told him to leave it alone because that’s exactly what the person commenting *wants* him to do (“son, don’t feed the trolls.”)
Long story short, he grabbed my phone when I wasn’t looking and replied back. My first reaction was to be mad at him for not listening, until I read his comment. My sweet, crazy, socially awkward, ADHD kiddo very civilly called this guy out for being a bully, told him it’s not cool to pick on 9 year olds, and said that he believes he’ll get to meet his gamer hero one day (the guy whose channel he was watching). It brought tears to my eyes, that little punk. I was impressed.
Not my story but a friend’s and I think it’s hillarious:
The family was invited to dinner at their friends’ house who also had a daughter around the same age. They had a lovely evening and a few glasses of wine. On their way home – oh s**t – police – stop&search. Where we are from the police always asks if you have had something to drink and the law is very strict about drinking&driving. It’s really easy to loose your license with a glass of wine.
The officer had picked them for a random breath test…which the dad (who was driving) failed. He tried to defend himself: “I didn’t drink, Sir. There must be something wrong with the machine. Try it on my daughter if you don’t believe me.” My friend told me that his dad has no idea why the hell he made that suggestion. The 5-year-old daughter was sleeping in the backseat, they gently woke her and she actually took a breath test. And BOOM, the result was positive. The officer was now convinced that his machine wasn’t working properly, appologized to the family and let them drive off. Mum & dad were completely puzzled but they just thought they had had a lot of luck that night.
Back at home the friends with whom they had spent the evening called and told them: “Guess what, I just found a half emptied bottle of egg liqueur in my daughter’s room. Seems like the girls had a little party of their own.” So, the kid actually was drunk while taking the breath test.
Tl;dr 5-year-old saved her dad’s driving license by getting wasted.
My son was 2 years old when he got his first pair of eyeglasses. At first he resisted wearing them until he realized he could see properly for the first time in his life.
A few days into wearing his glasses, I brought home a 5 pound bag of individually wrapped chocolates that I was planning on taking to the office in a few days. He had gone upstairs to his toyroom and he was being way too quiet for too long. I went up there and he was surrounded by wrappers, covered in chocolate. Half the bag was gone, and he was so proud of himself: “Mommy, I not need help to open them, so I not had to ask!” It was the first time he had been able to see where to pull to open the wrappers. I was so happy that he could finally see that I couldn’t be angry.
I had to tell him that he still needed to ask permission to take the candy, even if he didn’t need help opening it anymore. The punishment was his bellyache. Kid’s lactose intolerant.
When my daughter learned cursive in second grade, she forged my name on a test paper. I made her write an apology to the teacher. The kick was she got 100 on the test, I had a good laugh.
In sixth grade, my daughter was friends with a boy who had a lot of feminine characteristics. My daughter initially got to know him because the rule in their school was that they had to remain at the table they sat at on the first day. This boy had no friends and had been sitting at the end of their table. Gradually, the girls got to know him and he was taken into their group.
While many were accepting of him wearing pink clothes and nail polish, some were not. One day, I got a call from the disciplinary superintendent at the school. He said “Mrs. Potatoisafruit, I want to preface what I’m going to say by telling you that I am obligated to call about any situation where physical violence is involved (my heart sank), but that I am by no means encouraging you to punish your daughter.”
He went on to tell me that one of the boys known for bullying this particular young man had pushed him down a small flight of stairs at the school. My daughter was so angry that she ran up to the bully and kicked him as hard as she could in the shin.
She did have to apologize to the boy she kicked. We did talk about never lashing out physically, no matter how angry we were. But I was so proud of her for defending her friend.
I was playing a video game and my 3 year old son climbed up on the back of the couch and farted INTO my ear.
I did not give birth to them, but I have raised my two nephews as my own, full time, for the past ten years, I’m almost twenty five now, they are fifteen and twelve, and I swear, they are both little scientists. My oldest built a rocket out of fireworks and remote control car parts for the science fair which he successfully launched into our corn field when he was in junior high, home made fart bombs ( principal called on that one ), countless Rube Goldberg machines which destroyed my kitchen, my husband’s study and workshop, then there was my youngest. His multiple baking soda volcanos which he figured he could use the same method to create a puking monster, his remote helicopter “flying fox” bat, and passing out Harry Potter jelly beans at school on test day. I really love my boys.
I had a parent teacher conference in kindergarten because a girl taught me how to French kiss in the treehouse and we got caught. I think my dad was pretty proud.
My five year old daughter has been getting grounded lately as a result of having bad bedtimes. One morning, she asked me what would happen if she kept getting grounded. She listened intently as I gave a long speech about how the longer you’re grounded, the worse the consequences are, and how eventually you won’t have any privileges left, and on and on and on. When I was done, she responded: “You’re killin’ me, Smalls.”
Not my kid, but I just left my brothers house and he told me a story. His 16 year old son drank some of his tequila and then filled the bottle with water to the original level. I guess he felt guilty and eventually came clean without be interrogated. He is a good kid. Tequila is also good.
Not me but something my brother did in sixth grade.
My parents found out that he was selling nicotine-free vape pens to people at his school (basically just flavored ones). In order to do this, he would use his money to buy prepaid credit cards from a local Walmart, buy them online under a fake name, and then have it shipped to our house where he would pick it up before anyone saw it.
I think he made like $200 off of it. My parents were a mix of angry and impressed.
I’ve told this story before, but:
> **Middle kid (8):** “MUUUUUM! DAAAAD! <Youngest> TIPPED HIS WATER ON MY LUNCH!”
> **Youngest (5):** “IT WAS AN ACCIDENT!”
> **Middle Kid:** “WAS NOT!”
> **Youngest:** “IT WAS SO! IT WAS AN ACCIDENT! I DIDN’T MEAN IT!”
> **Eldest (10, chipping in for the first time):** “How could it possibly have been an accident? You tipped your drink over her lunch while saying ‘I now declare this sandwich officially… wet.'”
SO HARD to yell at him without laughing. I had to give up and let my wife do it.
My then-kindergardener started a black-market ring at his YMCA aftercare. I was informed by the very upset staffer that he had brought a bunch of nerf darts with him and then recruited several other kids to sell for him. He then kept most of the proceeds, with his “agents” getting a small cut. He also had other kids bring more nerf darts from their own home, which he would buy at a small rate then have his agents sell for him. This apparently went on for a few days before it was discovered.
I was pretty freaking impressed, but I had to act all surprised and angry for the benefit aftercare director. I asked my son how he had thought of this scheme, and he told me he learned it from watching Storage Wars. He said he knew he would eventually get caught, because some of his agents (who had been caught) were, in his words, “too weak-minded to keep quiet.”
I think he might have been a drug kingpin in a past life.
16 year old son got a girl into his room one night after we were asleep. My wife walked in on them the next morning. He’s got balls.
My five year old roommate yelled at his mother “I’m so mad I’m going to poop in YOUR pants!”
When my oldest boy was about 4 years old he liked to visit the toy section whenever we were at the Walmart. This time he starting asking to have some of the toy cars. I told him no, that I had to buy those, and they cost money. Did he have any money? No, he didn’t.
Fast forward to a week later and we’re at the store again, looking at the same cars. He again asks to have one. I tell him again that they cost money and unless he had some money, he couldn’t get one. “I have money!”, he says confidently. “Really?”, I asked. He then pulls out of his pocket about 5 dollars in coins (this is Canada, so that’s not so many coins).
“Where did you get that?”, I asked. “Your pocket”, he replies. I clue in that he stole my money and was about to get pretty angry when I realized that he didn’t even know that what he did was wrong. He needed money for the cars, so he simply acquired some money. I still didn’t let him get the car, but I was someone impressed by his reasoning. Good opportunity for a lecture on stealing, too.
There was a guy staying with my MIL around the time my little one was 3-4. This guy was completely taking advantage of MIL, psychologically abusing her, terrorizing her, etc. One day my tiny child said to him out of the blue, “I don’t like you. You are not my friend. I hate you. I hate you!”
My 12 year old daughter had a crush on a boy from her class. He sent out a group text to about two dozen kids in her grade with a list of girls he would never date and why. Next to my daughters name he wrote “fat pig”. Fortunately, the kids in the text called him out, calling him rude and a jerk.
Then my daughter chimed in. My sweet, kind hearted, gentle baby girl told this kid, “Go eat a bag of d***s you piece of s**t. If you don’t like the way I look then don’t look at me you c**t.”
I was floored. I mean, she’s heard me cuss like a sailor her whole life so I know where she heard it from. Another parent called me and alerted me to the group text. She got her phone taken away and a lecture about not stooping to a douchebags level. Real talk though, I was so proud of her for shutting that fool down. According to the other kids, he was always respectful to my daughter after that.
I think it was second grade when my daughter’s teacher took me aside at school pick up time to have a serious conversation about my daughter’s behavior in class. Apparently they had discussed Christopher Columbus and my kid had called out every single thing that the teacher said that was wrong (we aren’t fan of Christopher Columbus in our house).
I worked really hard on keeping a straight face, and then I noticed that the teacher was expecting me to give my kid a talking to. So I turned to her and said, “Remember how I said sometimes you have to just think things in your head and not say them? This is like that.”
It was the best I could do, but I was lying. Good on her for calling that teacher out for trying to teach that b******t.
My son, when he was in kindergarten, was being evaluated for speech therapy. What happens, is the school’s therapist will sit back and watch your child play and interact and listen to them, then write a report. I was told he didn’t qualify for speech therapy and I would have to seek outside therapists. I was upset because he very clearly had a speech problem, due to illness when he was younger. I was told that part of their decision is based on how he interacts socially. Seemed odd, so I angrily ask for a copy of this report. A few days later I receive it and read a detailed description of my son playing
“Makes gun out of blocks, points it and tells another child to Say hello to my little friend”
I let it go. And hoped they wouldn’t call social services
My daughter figured out manipulation at age four.
As we were leaving a theme park, pretty worn out, she looked at my husband and said “Daddy, I bet you can’t carry me all the way to the car”
So my wife is out of town and I’m by myself with our four-year-old daughter and we go to the shopping mall. While there, I have to hit the mens room. So I go in the stall and park my daughter behind me so she won’t see me pee and so she won’t get splashed or anything.
She squeezes between my right hip and the stall while I’m peeing and checks out my junk.
“Daddy,” she says, loud enough for everyone in the crowded restroom to hear. “Is that your penis?”
I hesitated for a minute, fearing that everybody in the room now thinks I’m a molester or a pervert. “Yes,” I said in my instructional, responsible voice. “That’s my penis.”
She stares for a moment longer and asks: “Why does it have to be so ugly?”
The whole room busted up laughing.
My 10 year old son swears periodically, but only in very appropriate ways.
For example, we were reading the The Two Towers from the Lord of the Rings Trilogy. We just finished the chapter on the fall of Isengard and closed the book for the night when he decided to comment.
“Wow, Saruman is an a*****e.”
I mean, you’re not wrong, but…
The youngest stands his ground. If the two oldest are being jerks to the youngest, he doesn’t suffer that s**t and gets immediate justice. I have to pretend to scold and say “no hitting”, all the while being proud that my baby boy is independent and can hold his own.
Oh, and he threw some eggs on the floor the other day, trying to get them to bounce like a ball. That was funny.
S**t, I remembered the worst…
My daughter loves to compliment people. About a month ago we were in the mall with my other kids. I was in line getting food for everyone when my daughter ran up to me and yelled:
“Daddy, I love your penis!”
It was both horrifying and hilarious, though I’m surprised I didn’t get arrested.
My 2 and a half year old climbed over a chain link fence to go in the neighbors yard to get a ball.
My 3rd grade daughter describes herself as a “severe geek” and also a “hardcore gamer”. I asked a question about some monster hunter game she was playing, and when she explained I attempted to follow along and engage her by asking another question. As I walked away she snorted and said “pleb”.
4 year old wanted to go to the zoo. I didn’t. I told him we would go to the park by the zoo, because that didn’t cost any money. Then I told him I wanted to get coffee first. His response?
“Oh, so you have money for coffee?”
I was impressed with his very appropriate and timely response.
Edit: calm down people. I had money for both zoo and coffee. The problem is that my kid wants to leave the zoo after approximately 8 minutes, but still wants to go every single day. I don’t like spending $40 to go to the zoo to leave after 8 minutes.
Edit 2: also, it’s common knowledge among parents to not give your kids what they want all the time. Then they turn into assholes. Our main job as parents is to not have our kids turn into assholes.
My toddler does this all the time. I’ll be scolding him for throwing things on the floor or not eating his dinner or something, and then he’ll start smirking and strutting and acting all cute, trying to charm his way out of eating his dinner. I keep a straight face, and as soon as his back is turned, I giggle into my hand.
Not a parent, but on a related note as a very very young kid I discovered my dads razor blades and, not understanding what they were, ended up slicing my fingers. A lot.
Ran to my dad crying. He’d just told me earlier in the day not to go in his bathroom cabinet, so he suspected what I’d done. I realised I’d probably get in trouble so I told him I cut my fingers on my trouser buttons.
I just remember him turning to my mum, me looking guilty, my fingers cut up to hell and bleeding. He says, in that wheezy tone of voice of somebody trying not to laugh, “Do you hear that, Kit? She says she cut them on *buttons*.”
Ok, so not my kid but my significantly younger sibling. When she was a young toddler, the family was out to dinner and she accidentally dropped her fork on the ground. As a reflex that she undoubtedly picked up from my mom, she shouted out “S**T!” Clearly, the entire restaurant heard her. My mom was mortified and immediately tried to repair the situation. “No! No, baby! That’s not what we say. What do we say?” she responded, I assume hoping for an “uh oh” or an “oops” or maybe even a “sorry.” But my sister took a moment to think this one through. She dug down deep into her recollection of what mommy would say in that situation, and responded with a clear and resounding “F**K!”
My son was 2 at the time.
He bumped into his 1 year old sister and knocked her over, said “oh s**t,” then patted her on the back and said “sorry.”
My son has high-functioning autism and is mostly non-verbal. I had a serious internal struggle with telling him not to say that word because that is still, nearly 2 years later, the closest to a legit sentence he’s said.
Edit: wow! Totally expected this to get buried in the void! Thank you for the responses and upboats!
To clairify, I didn’t reprimand him. My husband and I just couldn’t bring ourselves to do it. He was in the midst of Early Steps and being over-the-top encouraged to communicate and we didn’t want to compromise that in any way so we actually clapped and praised him for being sweet to his sister.
He now has 2 little sisters and goes out of his way to give them snacks and cups first and is an amazing helper. He’s nonviolent so they’re starting him in big boy head start in 2 weeks 🙂
I was terrified of labeling him and having him put in a box and teachers not trying to teach him things because he “has autism and doesn’t understand.” At his meeting with the school board, he was found to only have a mild cognitive delay and moderate-severe speech delay. Now they have it in writing from their own people that he understands pretty well, he just lacks communication skills.
He can even write 3 out of the 4 letters of his name at 3 1/2 🙂
I am not a parent but this is 100% answering the question. When my husband was in 2nd grade, he wrote a poem. The teacher found it. Confiscated it. Sent it home. His parents had to sit down with him and tell him this was unacceptable language for school. When they tell the story now, they said it was the hardest thing to keep a straight face. They still have the poem saved:
When I was young I had no sense
I took a whiz on an electric fence
It hurt so bad it stung my balls
I took a dump in my overalls.
Funniest thing lately my 4 year old getting in trouble at school for doing push ups during learning time. Asked him why he said he was bored he knew all his Abc’s and wanted to work out like mommy. He also got in trouble for standing on top of the urinal in the bathroom and peeing in to it. His teacher was even impressed he didn’t make a mess.
My son will scowl at me instead of doing what I told him to do. He thinks it’s a scary face. It’s more of an annoyed pout. And it’s adorable. But he can’t know that.
Not a parent, but rather the child.
I have been a disciplined, studious and well behaved child all my life, except for two incidents, both involving my old bully, Thomas, a boy who was most definitely the spawn of satan.
On the first occasion, I mutilated all his beloved action man toys by cutting off their arms, and drawing Mexican wrestler style masks on their faces, as well as destroying all his precious toy cars. On the second occasion, I rammed my teeth into his nose, and a few years later, he had to undergo surgery to fix the septum issues I had caused.
I never got in any trouble, at school, or at home. When I told my mother, she gave me a sideways looks, said ‘You shouldn’t have done that’, and carried on reading the paper.
When I told my dad, he chuckled, and congratulated me on ‘getting that Bastard’.
After that, I got a scholarship to a lovely all girls school, so I saw him no more.
He is now a violent drug dealer, so I think my parents are secretly pleased over the time I screwed over a felon. We still chuckle about it occasionally, for I remain, even today, a girl of the mildest temper.
When I was maybe 4 or 5 my parents got a betta fish. I named it Shimmer and year or so later it died, so we got another one. I wanted to named him Shimmer too but my parents told me that’s bad because you don’t name things after things that died.
I proceeded to inform them that they’d named me after my dead great grandmother. They let me name the fish Shimmer.
One my parents relayed to me from when i was two. I used to open the front door and run outside so my dad installed a hook about 6′ high. First time I tried to open the door and the hook stopped me I stood there for a few minutes and stared at it. I then calmly walked to the kitchen, grabbed the broom, and poked that hook right out and bolted. My parents both watched the entire thing go down and still laugh about it.
One time when I was three or four years old I was running around in the water park by my house and there was a bunch of teenagers just standing there completely in my way. So apparently I decided I had enough and shoved through their legs and yelled “get the f**k out of my way”. My dad said everyone had a hard time not laughing at that.
I used to take care of kids at an elementary school and these kids ended up making a Giant cube made out of legos.
This thing was 4 feet tall.
I was still pretty pissed off cause i had to dismantle it because i didn’t want it falling on any kids but damn was I impressed
My son beat up a bully that was picking on him. No, I don’t condone physical contact, but the bully swung first, and my son, who is younger, whipped his a*s.
Today, my seven year old son was upset about losing two games in a row of Go Fish. I have been working on his sportsmanship for a while now, and I was disappointed in his attitude. Trying to coax him back to the table and continue the lesson, I said, “Best three out of five?”
Without missing a beat the tears stopped, and with an intensity usually reserved for a fight weigh in, he spun ’round, gave me a steely-eyed glare and said, “No Dad. We’re going to settle this the old fashioned way.” He rolled up a sleeve, popped his elbow on the table and presented an arm ready for an epic arm wrestling. I nearly lost it, and I didn’t want to indulge this, but I did. With his little sister’s help, they were ‘victorious’ and teased me mercilessly for the next hour. I had to excuse myself for a good giggle after.
When I was about 3 or 4, whenever someone called our house, I would pick up the phone, call that person a b***h and hang up. My parents later admitted that they thought it absolutely hilarious
My wife and I are hobit like people and so is our small two year old. Sometimes we let kid fights go on a little longer than we perhaps should because we are so impressed that he can take care of himself.
My teenage son tells the dirtiest jokes. I mean really vulgar smut, but also the most hilarious jokes I’ve heard. Where he learns them, I have no clue. Probably Reddit. However, as a “good” parent I have to intervene and tell him to be appropriate meanwhile doing everything in my power to keep a straight face. Many a meal has ended with him being excused from the table, and my wife and I erupturing into laughter. I am so proud of that potty-mouth little bastard. And maybe one day I will tell him.
My four year old snatched a toy off his little brother and ran away, shouting “I need this! For SCIENCE!”
I have twins. The boy is a perfectly normal kid. The girl is developmentally delayed due to Autism. She doesn’t really know how to communicate.
For example, if he wakes up first, he just yells at us to let him out of their room. If she wakes up first, she just sits quietly until someone comes in.
Well, on their third birthday, they got a lot of sweet toys. The toys were in the living room so that it wasn’t a distraction at bedtime.
The following morning, she woke up and wanted to play with her new dolls. But she didn’t know how to get our attention to open the door. But she knows her brother can get the door open.
So she grabs a Nerf hammer (Thor’s from the Avengers). She then just starts beating her brother in the head with it until his cries sent me running into the room. As soon as I open the door, she drops the hammer and runs past me, laughing, straight to her new toys.
Sociopathic maybe, but damn clever.
I went to walmart with my boys and some guy nearly backed over us in the parking lot. It was bad. Stepson was looking elsewhere and my hands were full with the baby, so I basically smashed him in the chest with the diaper bag to stop his forward movement.
As he’s recovering his balance and realizing what happened, the guy is just staring at us like we materialized out of nowhere… And stepson plants his feet and flips him the double bird. Completely calm, confident, full eye contact, and he held it up there for a good three seconds. The kiddo is normally kind of shy with adults. It was like seeing a glimpse of the man he is going to become.
When I was about four, my mom was getting hardwood floors put in. Apparently, the carpenter was making too much noise because I walked out of my room, put my hands on my hips & asked, “What is going on with all this f*****g noise?”
He stopped mid hammer swing. My mom turned & stared at me. “What did you say?” she asked.
I sighed as though this conversation was beneath me. Then I said, “I *said*, ‘What is going on with all this f*****g noise?'” She explained to me that there are things we don’t say & sent me back to my room. Years later, she told me that she was actually impressed that I had used the word correctly.
I was once play wrestling with my nephew and once the 3 year old had me “pinned” it turned to name calling such as “stupid face” and “dumb head” then my sister chimes in and says “don’t call names!” Then this boy looks at me and says “names”. Literally, he just called me names. The punk.
My brother in law was lecturing his daughter about something and he was in an intense angry rant. She interrupted him in his yelling to ask “Daddy, can you lift a bear?”
Picked up 3 lego bricks with his bum cheeks (butt cheeks in the US). “Look mummy, I’m a digger!”
Kids cussing is hilarious. Clearly you can’t laugh or they will never stop. You really can’t be angry either because honestly, that will make them want to do it, too.
My 3 year old saying “oh s**t” when he dropped something almost put me in my grave. Ignoring it was damn near impossible.
I’m actually the kid in this story, but in 5th grade, I had the Wicked Witch of the West as my Language Arts teacher.
At the end of the year, I was fed up with her, so I wrote a note explaining how I felt, which was discovered. Here’s what was in the note, barring her real name.
“I hate Mrs. Hall. She’s a b***h, she’s a bastard, and she’s something out of Pandora’s Box.”
Many years later, my Mom told me that my Dad’s actual reaction to the news was, as they both knew how bad this teacher was to me.
“My son’s a poet….”
I got an xbox one on the weekend and after finally setting it up I sat down to play and my 1 year old toddled over and stood up and promptly switched it off and then came over and held up a book. Ok, ok, message recieved, we’ll read a book.
I took my daughter to her first movie in the theater — Frozen. She was 4 at the time, and she did really well mostly staying quiet and watching the movie, so I was super proud of her. The only time she really talked at all was to ask me about things she didn’t understand, and quietly at that. So it was a shock, when the major twist came and Hans revealed his plan to murder Elsa, and my daughter finally took the opportunity to speak loudly enough for the surrounding few rows of the theater to hear:
“He’s a DOUCHEBAG!”
When my son was around 3 he had a bad habit of saying “excuse yooou” to people in stores when he was trying to get by. I had to explain to so many people he meant excuse me, but he always drew out the you so I know he knew what he meant.
Every time I “yell” at my 4yr old son, my 7yr old daughter protects him. Although she knows her brother did something wrong, she yells at me for “yelling” at him, hugs him, comforts him. So cute. Breaks my heart sometimes.
3 year old: “I want food”
Me: “Did you eat the sandwich I made for you?”
UNEATEN SANDWICH IS RIGHT NEXT TO HER ON COUNTER.
3 year old: “Yes”
She understands lying. But she doesn’t understand deception at all. It’s adorable and hilarious. But, y’know, we still have to explain to her how lying is wrong. And resist the urge to explain to her how to do it competently…
Ahhh, memories of when my Gladys was too young to be the terror she is today. First, she was in her new room in a toddler bed. The door was closed all night and her heater was on. We went to get her up and found she took off a dirty diaper and went all Jackson Pollock with her feces. The enclosed heated space made it worse. I found it hilarious.
We also would find food next to her bed. She smashed a jar of Nutella against the dishwasher until the lid cracked and she could eat it.
I have another one. My two year old understands you have to go to work to get money. I overheard him discussing it with his cousin about how their parents are always working. His cousin says, ‘Yeah, they work all day!” And my son says, “*sigh* I want money n s**t.”