Abigail Spencer very honest with her fans in an open letter she posted on her Instagram page on her 41st birthday.
timeless actress currently acting in Grey’s Anatomytalked about how the last year of her life was “the hardest year” in her life.
“August 4, 2021, I entered the most difficult year of my life. It nearly killed me, and if I hadn’t trained my mind, body, and spirit and surrounded myself with the most incredible community of friends and healers, I don’t believe I would have survived it. I’m not going to go into the details of the events that led up to what I’m about to share, but I’ll give you some emotional headlines for its aftermath.” Abigail wrote a 1000 word essay.
Abigail shared photos from a trip to Paris with her 13-year-old son Romanwhich she shares with her ex-husband Andrew Pruett.
Click inside to read Abigail Spencer’s open letter…
Keep scrolling to read Abigail Spencer’s full open letter…
I don’t come here often to share personal stories about what’s really going on in my life. I use this space more as a visual medium. Documentaries about travel, style, work, celebration, lighting, colors, art, friendship, if you will.
And it’s my birthday. 🎉. I feel compelled to share some more reflections on the past year with you as I set the intentions and vision for the next one. Last year, when I turned 40, I mentioned that I went on an emotional recovery retreat for an intensive trauma therapy week to take a deeper look at myself. Get more healing and more tools to dance with the fullness of life. This is said to be the equivalent of 100 hours of therapy per week. This week has been radical and life changing. I entered my 40th year feeling better than ever. It’s like I connected my coccyx to the sun. Ready to take life no matter what. And the boy did it.
On August 4, 2021, I entered the most difficult year of my life. It nearly killed me, and if I hadn’t trained my mind, body, and spirit and surrounded myself with the most incredible community of friends and healers, I don’t believe I would have survived it. I’m not going to go into the details of the events that led up to what I’m about to share, but I’ll give you some emotional headlines for its aftermath.
The stress nearly knocked me out. I literally felt stress eating away at my insides. I couldn’t get up from the floor for several days. Fear and loss gripped me. Anxiety would stop me. In the battle of my life. Several times I cried so hard that I vomited. For several days I trembled for hours, keeping myself from incessant suffering. I didn’t leave the house for days. I couldn’t catch my breath. Everything seemed so heavy. At one point, I thought I was having a heart attack. I spoke to the cardiologist and he said that I was not having a heart attack, that my heart was broken and I needed to be held. If I applied too much energy, I knew my bones would break. 7-9 months ago, I couldn’t imagine anything but a hard, cold bathroom floor. I was a shell of a man. And the worst thing was that I felt alone. Cut off from the divine, floating through space and time. My biggest worry has been about myself ever since my father died. I felt bad. Volcano ready to erupt. It wasn’t easy for me to love. I remember thinking WTF is living its best life and how does anyone do that!?
And I didn’t stay there. Over time, as I immersed myself in my healing community, the energy shifted. Some human warriors appeared, answered my calls, and gently sat with me while I was in the Void. I came out of isolation and went to be treated. I took care of myself like never before. I circled with women. Witnessing your greatest despair is a very vulnerable and beautiful thing. I worked with shadow. I planned my grief and physical care as if it were my fucking job. Because it was. And then… there was more light. And every day something or someone appeared to become a warm glow. My sense of humor began to return. I remembered that laughter was an option. Entertaining, not offended. I got my dream job. Met the most wonderful new friends at work. Must be filmed on stage by Mary Tyler Moore in front of a live audience. Line County has been given new life. I brought our “Betty” flower truck to my set for the first time and it was a full circle moment. I have to make people laugh and then shower them with flowers. Two of my favorite things. I remembered that I love to play. I started integrating like never before. And little by little I began to feel at home in myself. And then I just went on my dream trip with the best girls. Reconnected with old friends and met new friends for life. The culmination was the realization of a vision: to bring my son to Europe for the first time.
I’m sharing all of this because the “beautiful and dreamy” “pictures of life” you see here don’t tell the whole story. They have been earned. And if you saw a girl from August 2021 to March 2022, you would never introduce me here. I didn’t. And I’m so proud of myself. For not giving up. For risk. To choose more life and more joy. For showing up. For the fact that I continue to create and believe in myself. For the army of souls that broke in…when I didn’t. And my son. My sweet, sweet son. My heart song Our Roman Holiday was the icing on the cake. Suffering for me is the refusal of an invitation to a good and difficult fullness of life. And now I’m ready to dance.
My desire in this new year of birth is to bring laughter, joy, fun, folly, flowers, dancing, abundance, love, lightness, magic, presence, visibility, being, puns and peace into the world. Leave everything and every thing a little better than what was found. Thanks for letting me share. If you are in total despair. Keep going, you are not alone. It won’t be like this forever. I promise you. You are in the middle of your story. Stay open to magic. Move energy. Travel. Everything will change. If you are delighted, keep delighting. It doesn’t go away. The other shoe won’t fall off. Ride the wave. Keep expanding. Make space. Everything is energy. Permit. Dream. Flow. And join the dance.
Thanks to those who walked and witnessed with me last year. Your presence is my gift. I am deeply grateful. I am one lucky one. Happy birthday to me, really.
You are easy to love