One of the ranchers on Farmer Wants a Wife was crushed like sugarcane when he made the bizarre decision to admit to being a two-time hunter who kissed several women on the show, even though he’s technically contractually required to be, for example, five-sync all of them .
Of course, the girls act like this is amazing information that they could never have predicted. But most of all, we feel sorry for the girl who is actually being told she’s the only one who hasn’t been kissed. We just want her to know differently. As perhaps a garrulous old woman from a provincial town might have told her one morning when she was standing in line at a milk bar on the main street.
Anyway, today’s entire plot could be the subject of a character-driven song by Dolly Parton, which is about three verses longer.
JAMES WEIR SUMMARY: Read all CVs
It’s 5am at Farmer Ben’s Diner, and we find two of his Shayla shoving frozen slices of Tip Top into his ancient toaster. Something is wrong. There should be three ladies here, defrosting bread.
Where do you think Ben and Leish are? one of the girls asks.
“Well, I do not know. They were gone for a short time,” another girl sighs.
Obviously, we don’t know the names of any of these girls, and there’s a good chance that Ben doesn’t either. This may explain why he completely abandoned them.
The screen door rumbles open. Enter Ben and Leish.
— Where did you go? Girl 1 asks, trying not to sound accusatory but failing.
Where did he go? Judging by Ben’s tank top, Mardi Gras.
Leish is shy at first. She then decides to rub it on the girls’ faces.
“Ben took me to the observation deck and we looked around the area,” she smiles.
“Oh-oh-oh-oh-oh,” Girl 2 replies, resisting the urge to break her coffee mug.
“Super romantic,” Girl 1 adds, trying to keep from pelting Leish with frozen Tip Top slices.
Girl 1 and Girl 2 should consider themselves lucky. At least Farmer Ben only dates one lady. At Farmer Benjamin’s farm (yes, there are two Benjamin farmers), he sets two women against each other and lets the third pass. First he kissed Lindsey. Then Erin. Poor Hannah is the only one who hasn’t been spanked yet.
It’s never nice to be excluded, especially in kissing. Everyone else is running around, exchanging spit, acting nice and sharing Zovirax pills. It hurts.
“I don’t think Benjamin would kiss one person, then another, then another,” Hannah muses to us, apparently after she has been interrogated by a dastardly producer. “I don’t think he would kiss everyone.
Oh Hanna. Sweet, innocent, unobtrusive Hannah.
She will be crushed when she finds out the truth. In fact, all three girls will be devastated. Five, four, three, two…
Have you kissed anyone else? Lindsey asks Benjamin bluntly during a solo chat.
Benjamin nods. He tells her about Pasha with Erin.
“Cool,” she barks, wiping away tears that have already started.
She is broken. More upset than the day she wasn’t picked for that helicopter date.
Around this time, Benjamin decides that it would be funny to brag about his many kisses in front of two other unsuspecting girls. If he carries out this plan, it will completely destroy their group trip. Obviously, the producers encourage him to continue.
He tugs at Hannah’s chatter to basically tell her that she’s the only one who hasn’t been kissed yet. Attentive!
She takes it surprisingly well. And by “surprisingly good,” we mean she locks herself in the trailer and gets mad at Lindsey.
“I got into the friend zone,” she barks.
Lindsey squints and nods. “You know what? Me too,” she says bitterly.
Linds, you missed the friend zone. Please stop trying to steal Hannah’s moment. Poor thing just found out she’s Drew Barrymore from Unkissed. Let her be the center of attention for a minute.
“I thought he didn’t kiss anyone,” says Hannah. “This is the strongest punch in the gut.”
They’re both so busy ranting that they don’t even notice us looking out the window of the camera van.
While Hannah and Lindsey continue to compete for who is more in the friend zone, Erin intelligently defines their absence as an opportunity to hang out with Benjamin and get a second kiss.
Everything is going great until Benjamin starts talking nonsense again about hitting Lindsey as well. This makes Erin snap. Well, first she takes a big sip of the cask wine, and then she snaps.
“I didn’t want our conversation today to be about anyone else!” she is raging. “Because that’s the reality – there are two more girls here! Yes, yes, yes – I fucking know it! Like, don’t shove this down my throat – I already know that. We don’t have to waste 15 minutes that we could just talk about us and not about… I’m not trying to be a mean bitch, but… I just endure until I break. I’m not here for that, I’m here for you.”
Erin’s screams awaken something in Benjamin. It also awakens something in us – basically the desire to start all statements with the words: “I’m not trying to be an evil bitch, but …”
Meanwhile, something is wrong with Girl 1. Or is it Girl 2? We still cannot tell them apart. Either way, one of them tells Ben that he only cares about Leish and then leaves the show.
Nau. Sah is sad.
We will miss you girl 1 or girl 2.