James Weir sums up ‘The Bachelor”s new ‘three-for-one’ failure

It’s a big shake-up to save one of TV’s biggest bombs – and it’s already been torpedoed. James Weir summarizes.

Like breakfast cereal with more sweet shit in it, Channel 10’s The Bachelor tripled the number of suitors and hired three white guys to headline the upcoming season in a desperate attempt to get us all interested again.

Bachelor – now with triple boredom!

The hideous twist on the original recipe is even less essential than before. It will rot your brain and make you feel bad right after drinking.

Who are these three guys? Irrelevant. Their names are not important. Two of them look like twins, and the third looks like Machine Gun Kelly’s nerdy cousin who just moved out and discovered rap.

RELATED: Abby Chatfield criticizes lack of variety in new Bach

The audience should not be deceived. Nothing good ever comes out of a three-for-one deal. I used to work at a local Jay Jays store and had to set up a big display table full of slogan T-shirts. “Three for $30!” screamed neon cardboard advertising signs.

One Thursday night, I stuck my hand into the pile and she came across a half-eaten cheeseburger.

Here is such a rude surprise waiting for us with Undergraduate own three-for-one deal.

“We are doing this for the first time in the world,” host Osher Gunsberg said on Project this week by announcing the format change.

“No one in the world has ever had three bachelors and so the way it works and how everyone gets to know each other is very different this year.”

Sounds tiresome. We’ve been watching this show for ten years now – and now we have to learn new rules? I hope the boys just treat it like a game of monopoly, outright cheating until Osher flips the board and cries.

“It was already exciting,” Osh continued. “We have been gathering for some time now, and what we see is already electrified. We didn’t just go to the head office to say, “Can we have three bachelors?” but also: “We want to do it without candles and without garlands.” It was a meeting that we had to go through.”

No candles or garlands? We knew things were terrible down there on Channel 10, but none of us thought they were literally struggling to keep the light on.

Now that the last episode Neighbours was filmed, maybe the producers could just cut down the Ramsey Street set and use it as kindling. We would like to see a date on Bachelor turn around when Susan’s living room is on fire in the background.

All this format overhaul is supposed to save the troubled franchise after years of plummeting ratings. Last year, the show had its worst launch ever, with just 482,000 viewers tuned into the subway. During the season, that number dropped to a low of 360,000.

Manufacturing Undergraduate The three-for-one deal is even more hopeless due to the producers trying to capitalize on the latest celebrity boyfriend trend: the alterna dude.

If you skim through any tabloid website, you’ll notice an increase in the number of hot women dating guys of alternative looks.

Kim Kardashian and comedian Pete Davidson. Megan Fox and tattooed rapper Machine Gun Kelly. Kourtney Kardashian and Blink-182 punk drummer Travis Barker.

These boys don’t look like the traditional clean cut boys that usually host shows like Bachelor. But as Network Ten hastily tries to catch any wave it can, executives have made sure to recruit an alternate dude into the trio of suitors.

Undergraduate A Heavy Kelly wannabe fits all the criteria for an altern dude: bad neck tattoos, piercings, eerily bleached hair.

Including alterna-dude Undergraduate variety option.

The moment the bosses locked him in with two other guys, they would have pumped the air with their fists and thought, “Home run!”

But these changes, like Altern Dude’s bleached hair, are superficial.

Along with three-for-one bachelors, the show also made a dramatic shift from Sydney to the Gold Coast, the iconic Australian paradise synonymous with sun, surf and Chapelle Corby.

Shine! The charm! Glasses!

Obviously, the show wasn’t rich enough to begin with.

All these settings are just the latest attempts to lure us into watching.

Bachelor looks like a really needy ex who is desperate to win us back – getting new haircuts and posting racy photos on Instagram, hoping to make us jealous of their fun new life.

Remember when the producers edited one girl to look crazy? Well now Bachelor she herself became clingy—obsessed with getting our attention.

The producers seem to have forgotten the number one dating rule: stop trying so hard.

Nothing turns it off.

facebook, Twitter: @hellojamesweir

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