Friend: “I’ve always wondered how goats grow into deer in the wild but stay goats at the farm.”
Me: “Ayo what the f**k?”
Friend: “I know, crazy, right? With ponies at least you can see them grow into horses but the goats??”
I had this friend I met for lunch once after not seeing her for a while. She said, “I never see you. I miss you.” I told her that I’ve been working a lot and that I’ve worked 9 days straight. She goes, “HOW? THERE’S ONLY 7 DAYS IN A WEEK!”.
Substitute teacher told me the moon is bigger than the sun that’s why it blocks the sun during an eciplse. Was in grade 4 I argued with her.
At KFC one woman was surprised to learn that Buffalo wings were made of chicken, she actually thought that buffaloes had wings.
Also, a couple of people thought that islands float.
A flight was delayed due to snow on the runway, a woman complained saying “damn it this happens every year, why don’t they put a roof over the runway or something”.
My wife’s Grandmother was on her death bed in 2015, right around Christmas. I was scheduled to work that Christmas Eve… she took a turn for the worst that morning and I was told we’d all better get to the house quick. Tried to call my manager, no answer, left him a voicemail. I called the manager on duty and said I’m sorry it’s just not happening today I have a family crisis. Duty manager said absolutely no problem. Called their manager too to ensure I covered all my bases. They both said take all the time you need. Was supposed to work the weekend after too. No problem, we’ll get you covered. She died that Sunday.
Get back to work Tuesday. My own manager comes to my desk, he’s pissed at me. Why didn’t I show up for work those days? I told him the situation, told him I’d called everyone to ensure I was covered. His response? “Well, you should have planned that better”. This is the only time I’ve ever seen my cube mate, this mild mannered Iranian I’d worked with for years, get upset. He leapt out of his seat, grabbed my manager by his arm and dragged him to his office. Apparently the shouting match went on for some time, I was too busy sitting at my desk with my jaw on the floor processing what he just said.
That manager was an a*****e. My coworker is one cool dude. I never got an apology, but I note he was fired for unrelated reasons a few months later so f**k him.
One of my college roommates wandered in while we were watching JAWS. It’s the final 15 minutes. The shark is tearing the Orca apart. It comes to the scene where the shark heaves itself up on the stern, the roommate says,
“It’s pretty neat how they trained that shark to do that.”
Dear reader, he was serious.
I used to work as a paralegal and had to fight with Social Security when they accused my clients of fraud. Got on a call with an agent who insisted my client was faking the disability her daughter had. The daughter died of the disability and it says it on the death certificate. The agent told me it wasn’t enough proof.
Grade 11 Law class in high school the teacher was talking about different bills the government implemented in history, bill of rights for example
30 minutes into the lesson the girl next to me raises her hand and asks the teacher “who’s this bill guy we’ve been talking about”
The whole class burst out laughing and the teacher was struggling to keep it together as well
That Darwin was half right and that black people evolved from monkeys but white people were the descendants of Adam and Eve.
The same guy went on about what an idiot his heart doctor was because he was Indian. Yeah, that guy is dead from a heart attack now. Oh well.
A professor at Belmont once told me that cars could never run on electricity, because there are no electric components of a car.
I wasn’t sure where to go from there.
My friend once thought Aloe Vera was some European model who was hired for every cosmetic commercial because they would always say the product name and then “with aloe vera” as they showed models in the back dancing or washing their face or whatever. He thought she was one of them.
I believe the direct quote was something to the effect of “it’s crazy how she gets hired for literally every single commercial”.
This was in like 1995.
New girl at work…she was horrified that we eat the eggs that come from our chickens. She insisted store bought were normal good eggs. She then really blew my mind when she said she doesn’t eat chicken, so she only buys “hens”. She about had a panic attack when I explained hen is just lady chicken. Very sheltered
Pretty much anything believers of almost any conspiracy theory say. Whether it be Qanon, Antivaxx, climate change denial, flat earthers etc…there are some real f**ken dumb ppl out there
Fellow student in a philosophy class.
“Evolution doesn’t make any sense. How could monkeys evolve into humans in 2000 years since creation?”
We have a rightwing politician here in Australia who shot to fame as an independent that pandered to the worst xenophobic instincts of conservative voters in her maiden speech to parliament. In an interview with 60 minutes she was asked what she thought about Euthanasia – a hot button topic at the time – and her response????? “I don’t mind as long as they stay there!”. To no one’s surprise it cemented her place amongst ill educated rightwing voters and allowed her to start her own political party.
A flat earther say Australia isn’t real , that it’s just made by the media to cover the fact the earth is flat .
‘It’s really weird how cows developed udders so humans could drink their milk. How did that evolution come about?’ – my brother, forgetting that baby cows exist
Followed by ‘oh, well that understands it’ when our mum explained
A girl in my high school said that of she and her hypothetical husband had undesirable face features that they didn’t want to pass on to a child (like a bumpy nose) one of them would just plastic surgery before conceiving a child. When I said that with her logic if both me and my partner chopped off our index fingers our child would be born without index fingers. She said that wasn’t the same thing. We were 17 at the time. I still think about that, 18 years later.
The sky is blue because it’s reflecting the color of the ocean. There are many things wrong with that, starting with the fact that WE ARE IN KENTUCKY.
My great aunt used to think that the sun and the moon were the same thing until my grandmother explained to her that they’re two completely different things 😀
SIL believed up to a very late age that meat was taken from an animal that was released back to the paddock to re-grow the missing piece. Then the cycle repeats
During a foreign language class, when learning the names of different countries… Someone stopped the lecture and asked why this language we were learning, made up names for different countries. Why can’t we just use the real names like Germany, Japan etc. Total silence. Then 10 minutes of the entire class trying to get this person to understand that Germany is not the name of Germany in German. That all these country names they know are all English “made up” names for those countries. They did not comprehend.
Confounds me to this date as this person was not from an English speaking country.
“I live at 438 Cattle street. Remember it like 4 plus 3 is 8 cattle.”
I still remember that address
A friend’s boyfriend asked “What’s roast beef made of anyway?” He was also a restaurant server. I told him “it’s beef. Roasted”. Cue surprised face then he laughed at himself. He wasn’t the brightest.
I was calling around grocery stores in Missouri looking for Tofurkey for Thanksgiving for a vegan girlfriend. I called one store, and the woman who answered the phone said, “Let me transfer you to the meat department.”
Before I could object, I was talking to some guy in the meat department. I told him I wasn’t sure I was in the right department, but I was checking if they carried Tofurkey. He said, “Oh, I think I’ve heard of that! That’s like…. the vegetarian part of the turkey right?”
My ex wife and I had a one hour argument – her insisting that 10:30am was in the afternoon. Started with her saying “we need to go at 10:30”. Me: “I thought you said it wasn’t until the afternoon?” “It is in the afternoon. 10:30. You know… later on.” ME: “Afternoon doesn’t mean later on… it means AFTER… NOON!” (arguing ensued). I still think about it all the time.
My sister once asked if something was spelled right. As I was looking, she said “it must be right, there isn’t a red line under it.”
She was hand writing on paper.
I’ll mock her forever for that one.
Also, when I was drunk, I once said “I’m quite short for my height.”
That men have one less rib than women because, you know, god made Eve from Adams rib so, naturally, ALL men have one less rib. (Just typing this makes me feel stupid.)
When I was 17, I casually mentioned to one of the high school nurses that I didn’t want to have kids until I was at least 25, and she told me that by the time I was 25 it would be “too late” to have my first baby and I should have two kids by the time I was 20. She then called the girl who got pregnant at the beginning of freshman year “the smartest girl in town” because she was the same age as me and on her third baby.
I remember it so well because it was the last time I ever saw her. She apparently told the other nurse about the conversation, and the other nurse was so revolted that she reported her to the school board, who then transferred her to the elementary school (which she then got fired from for calling a girl’s clothes “slutty”.)
That wearing a face mask mid pandemic meant that I support the Taliban/the suppression of women in Afghanistan and want it the same in my country.
I once had a professionally licensed Chiropractor in the State of California – San Luis Obispo (Hi Laura!) tell me that the Sun is a Planet. She could not be swayed in her opinion, so I purchased a National Geographic map of “Our Solar System”, had it framed and made a gift of it to her. That ended our association.
I had a roommate that refused to believe that the earth rotates once per day. He insisted it rotated 24,000 times a day, and it was just so fast you couldn’t see it. I thought maybe he got confused with 24,000 miles per day (like maybe how fast a point at the equator would rotate around the earth per day). But no. He said it was like when something is spinning so fast it’s like a blur and you can’t see the spinning anymore. 24,000 complete rotations per day.
My mom at an a&w/long john silver combo restaurant “what’s the difference between the#2 on this menu and the#2 on the other one?”
Me “ones fish, the other is chicken”
Her “I know but what’s the difference?”
My sister has very severe dyslexia.
Once she asked me how to spell USB. I was dumfounded and thought she was joking. She asked again, how do you spell USB. I was like, yeah ok, its literally spelled USB as you say it. She freaked out and told me not to bully her for the dyslexia and tell her how to actually spell it. I started laughing and wrote it down on a piece of paper.. ill never forget the look on her face when she realised
Once when I took a class trip to Washington DC we went to a museum and saw a reenactment of something featuring George Washington on a big screen. While we were watching it I heard two girls from the front row. One of them asked the other, “Is this real footage?” And the other then replied, “No, if it was real it would be in black and white.”
I was addicted to inhalants at the time and told a buddy of mine. He suggested I quit and switch to meth. He’s in jail now.
conversation i once had with a grown woman:
her: ‘the sunset is pretty this morning’
me: ‘you mean sunrise’
her: ‘oh. what’s the difference?’
i thought she was joking. she was not
I knew this girl in highschool. She didn’t eat meat, and she was allergic to most fruits. She would sometimes just eat from a grocery bag of spinach in class.
One time someone asked her: “If you don’t eat any fruit, aren’t you worried you’ll get scurvy?”
And she said: “Nah, I brush my teeth.”
Not really saying something but my sister once text my dad to let him know he left his phone at home.
Hank Johnson, a senator from Georgia, testified that he was worried about all of the troops being sent to Guam, because the island may tip over.
My friend asked me how much my electricity bill was for the lights on my car…
I once had a co-worker tell me he wanted to eventually take some time off work so he could drive down to Africa and see the Lions… For whatever reason he forgot that South America existed and Africa was not connected to the United States in any way shape or form
Why have you been lying to me?! You said you were from Liverpool, not England!
I dont wear a seatbelt, because in the case of a crash it can give you burnings. Was also a car without an Airbag. So good luck.
“Was world war 1 after world war 2?”
This was in my English class as we were learning about historical contexts
“So the reason we have satellites is to spin the earth around on its axis?”
Said in year 8 science class when learning about the solar system
RACIST TRIGGER WARNING
My old friend once said that black people were bread to be super humans, since they’re naturally more muscular than white people usually. And then she was like “all that work in the cotton fields did them favours” I wanted to stab myself in the ears
Someone thought light was an element in the periodic table during an interview
In the 1990’s I went into a store in Canada (where I live) with a $100 American bill. I bought a bottle of wine for about $13. When the woman working the register worked out the exchange rate (about 13%) she said ‘oh, you get $100 back’ and handed back the American $100 bill to me and said ‘funny how that works’
Back then I took it and left snickering… but I would correct the situation now if that happened, which I’m guessing never would again.
A woman I used to work with (who was a staunch Christian) said that she wasn’t concerned at all with climate change and that CC activists were selfish troublemakers.
I vehemently challenged this view by saying that the activists are only trying to get us to wake up because if we don’t address CC we will be destroying the earth, thus destroying ourselves and all future generations.
She responded by saying “well, if the earth does get destroyed then God will just make it all again, so I’m not worried”
I was rendered utterly dumbstruck by the stupidity and selfishness
When I had to fill out the form at the vets office I actually asked the difference between “breed” and “species”. In my defense it was the form to get her ashes back and I was distraught but yeah, still thinking about that…
‘women who have small breasts, it is because they have little milk to breastfeed, on the other hand women with large breasts store more milk than small ones’
-jack, 3th year of highschool
Beginning of high school, some kid argued with me that girls can’t be straight, they can only be gay or lesbian. According to him, gay means liking men. So I say, “So you’re telling me you’re lesbian?” So he says, “No, only girls can be lesbian. Straight means men liking women, so I’m straight”
“Breastfeeding your child is so gross! You’re basically teaching it to have sex!”
Said by a 21 year old woman
A sous chef who made more money than me, a line cook, sincerely thought leaving a lid on a pot makes bringing water to a boil go slower because it “holds the heat down”. I will refrain from repeating the other very horrible things this person has said.
Why Mexico’s Independence Day isn’t the same as the US’s.
One of my best friends was convinced that Sweden and Finland were the same country and that Iceland didn’t exist.
In my college there was a boy who asked what planet all these illegal aliens were from.
A woman in my office asked another woman if “The Martian” with Matt Damon was based on a true story and the other woman said she wasn’t sure.
“Well, just listen better!” That was said to me by my teacher… im deaf
“Wasn’t the pledge that thing that killed half of Europe?” – a girl I knew from school
“Humans actually have 306 bones in their bodies. Everyone always seems to be 100 off these days. Except me, of course.” -a know-it-all, bratty kid who thought he was the smartest person in the universe even though basically everything he said was wrong.
The way my mother informed me that my brother and his girlfriend had broken up.
“Oh, by the way, [GIRLFRIEND] is no longer with us.”
I called my brother to offer my condolences and ask about wake/funeral arrangements. He was baffled. “She’s not dead, we just broke up, what are you talking about?”
“My son can’t come back home from base because he refuses to get the vaccine.”
“Why not? It’s just a vaccine.”
“Hmph! No it isn’t! I’m a nurse, I know! They put all kinds of chemicals and stuff in there, and it killed someone a friend knew. Got the vaccine, then had a heart attack a week later!” Said to me by someone who 1. Definitely was not a nurse 2. At a laundromat where all the broke people in my town go 3. After she said her son had to get a bunch of shots to go abroad in the first place.
I had a friend of a friend in middle school completely believe and argue with me that mice ran the traffic lights. She really believed that mice went into the traffic lights and changed the color, that why you always saw mice around busy roads. And wheen I say middle school I mean 8th grade, 13-14 years old. She didn’t have the best upbringing…
“The Amish don’t get covid because they don’t have TVs. So I stopped watching TV.”
I have a lot of birthmarks, some girl in high school pointed it out and said “oh, is it because you’re mixed race?”
Went to a friends house and saw his carbon monoxide detector by an open window. I asked him why it was there. “The smoke detector said ‘get to air,’ so I moved it so it would stop going off!” I don’t know how that guy’s still alive…
In my freshman year of college, a biology professor started his semester with a speech about how science is how we explain everything in the modern world through experiments and peer review. A girl next to me had a smug look on her face and said, “If science can explain everything then why are people still doing experiments? Can’t science just explain it? I mean just read a book.” It took me a while to realize her wisdom and then it took me even longer to hold down my laughter.
I was in a sex ed class in college and we were discussing the anatomical features that a vulva possesses, including the location of the clitoris and how it is on the outside of the body, pretty close to the opening of the vagina.
A girl stopped the class to inform us that that was incorrect, and that the clitoris was actually behind the belly button. I can still hear her. “It’s behind the belly button. Behind the belly button. Behind the belly button! Right?”
At the electronica dance party at Disneyland they had one of those laser shows where an actor bends the laser and this fully grown dude with the thickest yokel accent said “If theys real lasers how ain’t he cutting his fingers off?” It was so funny my family had to give up our spot by the stage so we wouldn’t laugh in his face
“Wait but how did Jews exist before Jesus?”
“Vikings where real!? I thought they where just cartoons.”
Same chick, mid thirties.
My neighbor trying to make a case for America to reinstate the 18th Amendment. His reasoning? Alcohol is forced upon us by the Jews to keep us stupid and complacent.
I work on trains 😅 I hear alot of stupid stuff but this was my top one yet.
We got to a station and the signal ahead was on red light meaning stop or do not proceed bassically the same as traffic lights, not complicated to explain. Made a announcement “sorry for the delay, we are currently being held on a red signal and will be moving momentarily” we did 5 minutes later but got stopped at the next station.
A couple were walking down the platform toward the exit I hear the husband/BF go “ah stuck at a red signal again” I acknowledge him and said “Yeh, red signal again” his misses looks me dead in the eye “whats a red signal?” I was stunned for a moment as I thought she was pulling my leg but she was seriouse. Her husband chimed in “you know, red means stop green means go” he said to her and we both saw she still hadn’t sunk it in, he spoke again “like a traffic light” she took maybe 5 to 10 seconds but she gave a like “ooooo” as they kept walking down the platform…..
All I could think in that moment was she rather having a blank day where your head not functioning correctly or she one of the people you thing ‘how do you get up in the morning’
A guy I work with was watching a show about the shroud of Turin. He said that they did a DNA test on the stains and that it was confirmed to be the blood of christ… And that his DNA was shaped like crosses.
My dad is a violinist in the Cleveland orchestra. They were on tour in East Germany 15 years ago. So he’s on a train talking to one of the other violinists about how crazy it is after all these years, there is still bombed out buildings that hadn’t been torn down or dealt with since wwii. Then stereotypical blonde chimes in… “wait, wasn’t Germany our allies in the war?”
One of the stupidest things I’ve ever heard and I wasn’t even there
When I was a kid I had an uncle tell me that dinosaurs and humans coexisted. When I tried to explain to him that wasn’t true, he told my parents I was arguing and being disrespectful with an adult and I got in big trouble.
One of my classmates said, “why you speaking Mexican?”.
A friend of mine looked at me. And in all seriousness asked. “Can you get a tan on a cruise ship? Since you know it’s moving?”
I asked her to explain what she meant. And she thought. That since the cruise ship was moving, the sun beams wouldn’t hit the boat, since you know, it was moving. So the sun couldn’t hit the boat.
An ex’s friend who was studying genetics at Uni and in the middle of preparing a report on their study of manipulating a frogs genes to make them glow in the dark stopped to ask us “What day is Christmas this year?” – not as in “On what day does Christmas fall this year” – as in “What *date* is Christmas this year?”
They had a brain fart and thought that Christmas, like Easter, moved.
A former friend of mine once said her horse was born as a gelding (no testicles). She seriously thought animals are either born female, male or “castrated”. I couldn’t believe it 😂
My college educated friend said that her co-worker’s new baby had a “generic” disease.
My other friend was waxing poetic about wanting to be a teacher. She said “I want to be the one teaching them that there are 24 letters in the alphabet!” And yes, she did go on to teach.
A former high school colleague asked how planets stay put if there’s no gravity in “the space”. She followed up with “and if there’s no friction wouldn’t the planets keep moving in space? So how did they stop in the perfect place to form life?”
As you can probably guess, she was going for the “Proof God Exists” argument but wasn’t doing herself any favors with that reasoning.